Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Short Humor Story

First Impressions
Tuesday, May 01, 2012

It’s fun to speculate on how to make the best first impression, but we never really know how we did, so what’s the point? I do everything by the book to make the most of meeting new people and I guess I let fate do the rest.

Take this date for example: Textbook

I let her do all the talking. Good first impressions are made by letting the other person talk. I just sat and listened for what seemed like forever. Listening to her go on and on and sometimes asking me questions, but nut-uh, she couldn’t get me to talk for anything. This was her time and I thought it’d make her feel comfortable and special to hear her own voice.

I let down my guard. Most ladies know I’m human. And those that don’t know right away soon figure it out. I’m flawed – there I said it. Let’s move on from those flaws and have a real conversation. My flaws: I steal stuff; sometimes I inhale while I drink; once my tennis shoes are tied, they never come untied; I run with a rough group; I lie about stealing; I frequently choke on hard to chew foods. Feels good to get that out in the open.

I used her name. Hearing ones own name back is the sincerest form of flattery and when we introduced ourselves I said her name. I repeated her name to her over and over. I must have said it a bijillion times. Her flattery was masked under what appeared to be uncomfortability. So I just moved in closer and kept saying it. “Matilda… Matilda… Matilda…” I thought it sounded like an STD, and I told her that.

I appeared interested. Every time she finished a sentence I would gasp as if it was the first time I had heard such a thing. If she told a joke, I tried to laugh as loud as I could so that everyone around thought we were having the most interesting conversation and the most fun. Sometimes I would gasp even at the anticipation of her sentence coming close to an end. Then at the real end of the sentence I would gasp even louder causing her to gasp.

I tried to show her herself. I would lean in and mirror her movements and even emotions. This was my attempt at trying to remind her of looking in a mirror. Women love looking in mirrors. I really had to pull out the stops to imitate her eating. She had the most dainty way of cutting her food down to almost unimaginable sizes and eating it with silverware. I have to say, I never thought of a waffle as something you’d eat with silverware. Then, once I thought I had her movements under my control, I leaned in for a smooch. She slapped me, which caught me by surprise and I was too slow on the imitation. She dodged it and started to walk away. My mirror plan backfired when I began walking in the opposite direction.

We eventually got so far apart I couldn’t see her anymore. So I guess I’ll never know how my techniques worked out.

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