First Impressions
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
It’s fun to speculate on how to make the best first
impression, but we never really know how we did, so what’s the point? I do
everything by the book to make the most of meeting new people and I guess I let
fate do the rest.
Take this date for example: Textbook
I let her do all the talking. Good first impressions are
made by letting the other person talk. I just sat and listened for what seemed
like forever. Listening to her go on and on and sometimes asking me questions,
but nut-uh, she couldn’t get me to talk for anything. This was her time
and I thought it’d make her feel comfortable and special to hear her own voice.
I let down my guard. Most ladies know I’m human. And those
that don’t know right away soon figure it out. I’m flawed – there I said it.
Let’s move on from those flaws and have a real conversation. My flaws: I steal
stuff; sometimes I inhale while I drink; once my tennis shoes are tied, they
never come untied; I run with a rough group; I lie about stealing; I frequently
choke on hard to chew foods. Feels good to get that out in the open.
I used her name. Hearing ones own name back is the sincerest
form of flattery and when we introduced ourselves I said her name. I repeated
her name to her over and over. I must have said it a bijillion times. Her
flattery was masked under what appeared to be uncomfortability. So I just moved
in closer and kept saying it. “Matilda… Matilda… Matilda…” I thought it sounded
like an STD, and I told her that.
I appeared interested. Every time she finished a sentence I
would gasp as if it was the first time I had heard such a thing. If she told a
joke, I tried to laugh as loud as I could so that everyone around thought we
were having the most interesting conversation and the most fun. Sometimes I
would gasp even at the anticipation of her sentence coming close to an end.
Then at the real end of the sentence I would gasp even louder causing her to
gasp.
I tried to show her herself. I would lean in and mirror her
movements and even emotions. This was my attempt at trying to remind her of
looking in a mirror. Women love looking in mirrors. I really had to pull out
the stops to imitate her eating. She had the most dainty way of cutting her
food down to almost unimaginable sizes and eating it with silverware. I have to
say, I never thought of a waffle as something you’d eat with silverware. Then,
once I thought I had her movements under my control, I leaned in for a smooch.
She slapped me, which caught me by surprise and I was too slow on the
imitation. She dodged it and started to walk away. My mirror plan backfired
when I began walking in the opposite direction.
We eventually got so far apart I couldn’t see her anymore.
So I guess I’ll never know how my techniques worked out.
***
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